the traveling john ling

What in the heck is that car doing parked out here in the mountains next to the rail road tracks? One of my most favorite paths I frequent runs alongside the Arkansas river in salida, Colorado. The rail road tracks aren’t used any longer, but they are kept clear and somewhat maintained in case of state emergency and some other government jargon I didn’t catch. I’ve seen a bunch of snakes the last few weeks, so looking down is a practice I have recently started, plus, dan was bitten by a rattle snake just a few weeks back. Looking up as my walk continues, I notice the car by the tracks is still there, and now a man stands outside, and from here, still blocks away, the man seems to be stretching, hard to tell. I seem to have a very comfortable approach with strangers these days, and im even usually excited to spit out the first hello, to get the learning experience fired up of course. And hello he says to me. I take my sunglasses off, seems respectful to look someone in the eyes as they address you. Good morning, im Derek I said, coffee making me speak a bit faster, as it is early am. Im john, as he reaches for my hand. John has these beautiful silver blue eyes that demand your attention.

A few weeks passed, telling my son of my new friend as we walked down town for a coffee. The next morning, once again, I geared up, took the same path out on the tracks, I noticed a car on the tracks up ahead. I was excited. It wasn’t john. A few blocks up, another car, it was still dark and maybe only 5:30 am by this time. If he was in there, he was sleeping, of course I curiously peeked in as I walked by, nope, no john. I caught a few fish and hiked about 4 miles, I was done, and the sun beat me up, hot morning. Down town was getting close, I could smell the lunch menu flying out of the boathouse grill on the river just up the tracks. Over the bridge and into the park to get across the street, one of my favorite park benches to rest on. There was john, leaning against a tree catching up with the local newspaper in his hands. I knew I would find you again I said to john. We sat on the special park bench, in the shade, right across from the boathouse grill, the smell of fantastic blowing in my face. We caught up, took a few pictures together, a hug, and john said to me as I started to stand up. This is where home is this moment Derek. I leaned to hug him once again and said, and this is where my heart is john. You’re a special young man john said softly. As you are john. For some reason it seemed somewhat difficult to part ways. I don’t like good bys, ask anyone. See you again john. He waved.

surrounded by amazing!

Usually one of the first questions that I get asked when reconnecting with friends is “ how is your health?” or “is your brain still making music?” which of course the answers are still – “fantastic” and “yes.” Oh, there’s many more that are thrown at me, but that’s another note. Geeez, should I arrive in a limo with my immediate friends to comfort my nerves as I am traveling for pleasure not work, and im so use to having Gerry travel with me, especially when it’s a larger function, or several people around me at once, it just helps keep me calm and somewhat balanced if you will. Lets leave the fancy stuff for the big rock stars! I grabbed my phone. Hey ali, can I ride with you and mike? Of course she says. I figured hey, not only am I arriving with two very close friends, the wind coming through both windows of the ford escort would be a refreshing reminder of a real yesterday. Im not going to over dress, as it seems important for me to simply blend in tonight. We got to bracco’s a bit early. people were entering the establishment and would pass by the room where I had planted my rear end, nervously awaiting my friends, I found myself thinking everyone that walked in seemed familiar, or I would lean towards the entering patron wanting to ask each of them, “are you here for the party?” or “hey, we’re in here.” Ya know, when 20 years pass by we physically change, duh! I was so damn nervous I would not be able to place names with faces, and really wasn’t wanting to pull the “brain injury card” out on anyone as my excuse. As friends trickled in, it seemed impossible that I would be able to greet each one by their first names. Hello Debbie, dale, im so glad to see you, hi chelley, geeez Michelle you look absolutely stunning, oh cindy you haven’t changed a bit, hi lisa (you have one hot eye), I see you karla, tom is that you my long time friend, hey monty, wow, you and amy look amazing, jolene and Jodi your both lovely,  god you smell good julia, tom im so happy to see you – and you brought your parents ( I am now struggling emotionally to keep my tears contained), hi gina, hi Susie, garrett wow, sarah – ive missed you, dan – your wife krisit is still hot, and on and on I went with my little somethings about most each of them. Almost like I had been dropped right in a study hall room with all these beautiful people with so many questions to ask them. I really had one thing in mind when asking my friends to join me for the evening. It had nothing to do with my career, although I did give them a brief update, of course I needed that uplifting head nod by my closest friends saying “good job Derek.” But I was more concerned with capturing all of you in one room for a moment, to simply let you know how much I appreciate you, each of you.

Every single person in that room has touched my life,  and for some reason I found it vital that I find a way to express myself not only to each of them, but to a few really really influential people I have spent my life loving, and I needed to say it in front of all my peers, in hopes that they would truly understand how blessed I feel. Every now and then I would look out the corner of my eye towards rick for assurance, he would nod or smile, “your doing fine Derek.” he would gesture to me. I think my generation of kids was something very special, and as I age find it so important to stay close to them, or as close as possible as we all grow up and get busy. My memory isn’t good, but I can tell you every single persons name at the very moment they walked in to say hello, somehow it just all fell perfectly into place. Anyways, looking around the room I noticed something very special. My friends from childhood, middle school years, high school years, adult years and so on, were now meeting each other for the first time. I kind of assumed that everyone invited just knew each other, wow, not so. I felt joy as I scanned the room and found them mingling amongst a new circle of friends. I’d like to say a few things, I hollered in a somewhat soft tone. I want each of you to hear this loudly, and clearly. To you tommy, friends from childhood, always one of the most kindest and considerate people I have known, and to you rick, always believing in my dreams with me without swaying even one bit. I looked at everyone with pause, I was getting emotional obviously. Tena, sarah, karla, all of you such kind friends, and on I went with words that I only hoped would send my energy to each with a sense of urgency to let them know my thoughts. Wayne, although busy, I know your always next to me. and tracy, i know your not feeling well enough to be here tonight, but i am with you always. Curt, your kindness and sincerity makes this world a happier place, I adore you. I looked over at tommy’s parents sitting to his left, they both were smiling as I knew it had to be a sweet moment to hear another grown man talk so highly of their son! I leaned over to tell Mac how very special he was to me, as I caught his hearing aid squeeling at me as a warning, don’t speak so close to the ear Derek. Mac said, I feel terrible, I never knew all these years that you hit your head jumping off my truck after the baseball game. I leaned over once again towards macs hearing aid, Mac, your contribution to one of my head injuries makes you an accomplice to this beautiful gift I get to now enjoy. That’s a nice way to look at it he said. As I went on to tell Mac and Marilyn (tommy’s parents) how vital they were during my growing up years, I found myself with this emotional joy having the opportunity to tell each of you thank you. A tear ran down Mac’s face as I continued. The energy in the room at this point was enough to buckle me to my knees, it was real love, real friends, and a real moment to share life. I felt like a proud little boy that just kicked his first field goal, as knowing Mac and Marilyn were watching me with approval.  smiling and happy eyes always gives it away. This moment is something special. As I finished my little thank you, I said “ I feel loved”, thank you to each one of you. And I meant it.. Thank you Mac, that one single tear confirmed my wish, I was clearly understood!

looking into the small of it

          

i think ive always looked at things through such large windows, and eyes always widely scanning. walking this morning seems to be getting the best of my knees as I find myself stumbling my way down the rail road tracks, you know, stepping on each wooden plank, then a few balanced steps on the tracks, back and forth. i wouldn’t be stumbling other than my view looking down is obstructed by surrounding foruteener’s (if your not a mountain person, fourteener is a big hill 14,000 ft tall), miles and miles of trees and animals, and of course, the running water to my right screaming at me “fish here dude.”
kept stumbling for a bit and noticed this square rusted metal nut, guessing for the rail road track. i thought, hmmm, that would make a cool ring if i could file it down somehow. it had a hole in the middle. i grabbed it of course, yep, like a curious little kid. i held it up,  looked through it and took a picture of it.
that little hole i was looking through seemed to make the fourteener on the other side look as if it was a world in itself, it just looked huge. after 5 hours on the water fishing and enjoying this huge symphony going on in my crazy brain, i stumbled home, taking the same path back, and of course stepping back and forth on the tracks, kinda like a circus hire wire show, my balance wasn’t grand by no means.
anyways, maybe i should spend a bit more time looking through small holes, as the picture on the other side allowed me to enjoy focusing on that fourteener in a different view. i love looking at the big picture of things in life. sometimes narrowing your view becomes a magnified image that will stay with you forever. funny how a rusty nut can make something look so amazing!

an intimate moment with my therapist

 

it’s usually during my walks i prepare myself for a conversation with my therapist. i think if we all had a 60 minute session once a week, this world would be a happier place to run around in. the best part of therapy is you get to chose your counselor, or in my mind, design the most elegant beautiful stunning human being to have a chat with. no different than the make believe friend we all talked to when we were 6 yrs old, no i am not saying that everyone designed a 5’10″ blond bombshell, i do realize they come in all different shape, colors, and sizes. so i gave it some thought the last few years during these ever so changing moments in my life. it sure would be great to have therapy in my daily life habits. oh trust me, it’s needed, after all, my brain is so busy making music, that my thoughts forget to talk with my own self, therefor processing becomes challenging. it was two yrs ago my brother introduced me to my therapist. i couldn’t express my gratitude enough to my brother. he walked in the door, and introduced me, i smiled and said hello of course. i said, wow, she doesn’t say much, my brother said she doesn’t need to bro, i mean look at her. i said wow again. he said, lets go outside. i said what for? lets try her out. i said huh? so we went outside in the front yard, as my brothers front yard gave us plenty of room to play around in. he said here bro, you try her out and see how she feels. i said seriously? he said oh ya, your going to love her! so, like a boy, i threw her around for a bit, and said, awesome, she really does feel good. he said, she’s yours. i said, your kidding and almost started crying. i needed this, and felt just overwhelmed that someone would recognize and gift me in such a fashion that would bring me days of bliss. thank you dino, my dear brother i call my best friend. ya see, we all have some need for balance, and to me, therapy has always been a word that only you can put definition to. the moment my brother introduced me to fly fishing and gifted me with that beautiful fly rod, the river, the fish, the whole moment would become my 5’10″ blond bombshell i refer to as my therapist. you will have to excuse me now, as i have a date, the perfect date. i suggest to any of you reading this, design your life therapist and enjoy!

you want to have a sandwich with me?

it’s 5:05 am. i love mornings, and especially right now out in the middle of the mountains. i figured, the sun is out (barely), if i leave now, i can beat the heat. so i made a sandwich, grabbed a coffee, my fly rod, and tore out the door towards paradise, seriously, real paradise. i mean cmon, my sons backyard is the arkansas river, thats in colorado, not arkansas:) the sound of the river is raging right now, so as i crossed the bridge heading towards the rail road tracks, all i could hear was loud roaring water, whcih of course makes me walk faster towards finding that almighty special secret fishing hole. it was still slightly dark, i usually have a walking stick, easier on the knee and good in case of snakes, or in this case, someone jumping out of the bushes at me. as im about 200 yards into my what would turn out to be 13.5 miles, a gentleman springs out of the bushes and says good morning. scared the sh@t out of me. although i didn’t strike him with my walking stick, i think i made some sort of karate noise and almost dropped my coffee. it was dave! I went on my way, ended up walking almost 7 miles out, caught a few fish, and headed back. again, the next morning i awoke at 5am. of course the sun was out, so i was naturally stimulated to grab my fishing gear and go. there was no way my knees could handle much more than 3-4 miles today, none the less, half the fun is trying to find that secret fishing spot. i noticed while walking that there where a few tiny little pop up tents scattered throughout, maybe like a 4 block strip, but only 4-5 tents, as if campers were being courteous not to bump into someone’s area of real estate. it finally hit me. even out here in the middle of the mountains, you will find human challenge. seriously, even in paradise! although it does kind of make weird sense. if i was to be homeless, i would certainly consider this background, it is amazing. i walked a bit more, fished for a few hrs, and then it became really hot, so i headed back towards civilization. it was definately interesting to see that someone would take the time to write graffiti on a old building just off the tracks. sucks when people destroy things, especially out here in the mountains. anyways, still walking here…….once again, i am urged to strike my most dangerous karate pose, as dave once again shows up right out of nowhere. i said, geeez dave, you can’t keep doing that jumping out of the bushes thing to me. oh man, im sorry man. i said, no worries dave. i just figured out that what i thought was a group of YMCA Teen Campers, is rather a group of homeless guys. ya man, it’s been a tough life. i walked with dave for about 2 blocks, and he says, hey man, i want you to meet a few friends. im thinking huh? there was this little area set up under the trees, a couple homemade chair like things to sit on, and there were now 4 homeless campers, all which seemed cheerful during our introduction. reaching for the home made wood stump to sit on, i asked each one their story. but before you tell me, give me a second. as i reached in my fishing vest, they looked at me as if i were going to pull out a gun and rob them. i must of looked nervous,lol. i said, i made a few extra sandwiches this morning, lets have lunch as you tell my your situation. we ate turkey/provolone sandwiches, and i had also packed some apples, so we even had desert. i was fascinated to see how normal this group of guys was. similar stories reflected each of them, job issues, relationships gone sour, bad choices, bad breaks, drugs were mentioned, mental challenges, etc…..sometimes a simple sandwich can give you such a refreshing out look on life. im not sure if the sandwich was more needed than just simple conversation and a nice to meet you experience. yes, even in paradise!

5 days numb

i walked in from outside to notice i missed a call, i didn’t recognize the number. it was close to dinner time and i was starving. i heard the phone ring again, the same un-recognized number, my first thought was “please take me off your call list” as the phone buzzed a second time. i answered, as the nervous voice asked “is this mr. amato”? i said yes of course. “your son has been in a high speed roll over and has been ejected from the vehicle, and you should leave for the hospital immediately.” before i could respond, my mind went blank as i reached for the ground with both hands to catch my collapsing body. the first thing any parent requests to know in a trauma situation with your child is “please tell me he’s alive.” at that moment i just needed some kind of answer to stimulate my mind to somehow work through this. the state patrol on the phone with me said, “i can only tell you he is currently being transported to the regional trauma center.” i needed someone to tell me my child was alive, as a 4 hour drive to the medical center out in the middle of the mountains seemed like a planet away. i threw 2 t-shirts and a toothbrush in a bag as Josh escorted me down the mountain to meet my brother. i could not have operated a motor vehicle in no way possible as my mind and body seemed to be collectively breaking down. trauma makes ones mind race with so many different thoughts, who to call first, the hurt when telling a childs mother there has been a terrible accident, my daughters, my mother, and of course all these thoughts going on while i am waiting for someone to call me and tell me my son is alive. a four hour drive through the rocky mountains can be intense, as there are winding roads, weather changes, and deer popping out left and right. i don’t recall anything of the drive other than leaving and arriving at the medical center. there was this strange space in between, as though i had taken a nap during the drive. as we pulled up to the hospital, i remember looking over at my brother, he had very sad eyes, he knew i was scared to see the results to my sons physical appearance from a car accident. i ran towards the trauma center doors, it felt like someone was holding me back from making it through the entrance doors, again, the space between the vehicle and the emergency entrance seemed like a marathon to me. as i approached the trauma surgeon, i could feel him comforting me with that dr. look, hard to explain, but i could see positive energy in his demeanor. “your son is a miracle mr. amato.” he said in a compassionate tone. as i entered the room, my lifeless child was covered in blood, not coherent, and eyes swollen shut from the impact of a head trauma. it was difficult to find a place on his body to place my hands to let him know i was next to him, as the cuts and bruises occupied most of his body. i laid my head next to his face and began to pray. this was a most challenging monday evening for my entire family. as friday approached, i realized i had no recollection of tues, wed, and thurs sleeping in a chair next to my son in the hospital. it has now been 15 days since that horrific phone call i received. today, my son is healing as his body has been beaten up badly. how someone could survive a high speed roll over and be ejected through the front windshield 20 something yards, and find the strength to crawl many feet up the side of the mountain to the road so someone would find him is simply beyond explanation. one more thing of this incident that defines amazing. my sons accident was approx 35 miles from the nearest community out in the middle of nowhere, what are the chances of the gentleman that pulled over to comfort my child would be a physician. there is no need to justify the word miracle.

one arm and one leg

i contemplated going to the doctor this morning. as i woke up to discover my right knee the size of a small watermelon, i figured what the heck, another day isn’t going to kill me. not to many people know that i have broken my right femur twice, not to mention i have no cartilage left, which means bone on bone, ouch! so what, im not one to be slowed down by basically having one leg, i can mow the lawn. i fire up the lawn mower and begin my most beautiful lawn art pattern, although a bit crooked from my hobbling swag, it’s looking like i can finish this without my leg falling off. as i am half way done, i look down the street, and could have sworn this old fella was mowing his yard and he only had one arm. i turned off my electric mowing machine and walked down the street to say hello. i said ” sir, i haven’t seen a lawn mower like that since i was 5 yrs old.”  it was the old school push blades that spin as you push it. he said “it works pretty good young man, but it’s not so fast, and i have to take my daughter to her Dr’s appointment.” i said ” why don’t you go run your errands, and i will finish your front and back yard”. he said, “where did such a nice boy like you come from”. i said, ” well, god of course.” he said, “the house is unlocked, help yourself to a glass of water or some juice.” he pulled out a 20 dollar bill and handed it to me, i refused, he insisted, so i took it. i played around with the engine-less lawn mower, it reminded me of yard work with my grand father. it took me forever and a day to finish, and they still weren’t back yet. i went in the house as i finished, got a glass of water and let their dog out back to pee. i let the dog back in, took the 20 dollar bill out of my pocket, put it on the kitchen table and left a note that read ” dear sir, watching you mow with one arm at the age of 84 has inspired me to never complain about my bad knee again. would you please carry this 20 dollar bill with you in your pocket, and the next time you drive by a homeless person, hand it to him and tell him lunch is on the one armed guy and the one legged guy.” i locked the doors behind me, and walked with both legs home. finished the lawn i had started, and took a walk to simply reflect. a complete stranger allowed me to enter his home, and even paid me for such a simple gesture. amazing how this life works.

learning you has become magnificant

you have this great drive and compassion to treat the people you come in contact with such kindness. i have been blessed to know you your whole life here on this planet, and each day you show me something new. you challenge trial and always seem to find a way to work through it. i have enjoyed watching you be the best father you can be. it seems as you walk like me, talk like me, laugh like me, as your child will grow into the very same footsteps you set forth. you, my friend, are growing into this amazing man that will continue to be my best friend through life. thank you for giving me the opportunity to call you my son!

the real “breakfast club”

when i was a kid, i always hoped i would continue life long friendships with the kids i was so lucky enough to grow up with. when i moved to the midwest with my mother at the age of 7, i had no idea i was about to begin this fantastic journey with the very kids that would indeed surround me, believe in me, dream with me, and simply share true friendship. i got my wish, as these special people that i called friends would be standing right next to me to this very moment 35 yrs later! there is a very close bond amongst, not just a few, but a rather large group of kids i grew up with,and i find it necessary to say thank you to everyone of you! we have laughed together, hurt together, and most of all, grown together. although i wont use last names to respect the privacy thing, but you know who you are! wayne, mike, tommy, jerry, brian, kim, rick, karla, tracy, kim, curt, jim, brenda, barry, dave, mike, tammy, troy, todd, john, dale, don, tena, joanie, kris, sarah, heather, dawn, chad, rhonda, randy, susan, and of course my brother dino! i am so grateful to each one of you for allowing me to be part of the real “breakfast club” and giving me much joy in sharing life for so many years together!

what were you thinking, the perfect dude?

imperfections seem to highlight the very me! lets start there. a lot has happened in the last four years of my life. i often wonder what people think when i walk on stage to display my new found gift. i do get to hear a tremendous amount of input, as the emails i receive certainly display a very kind tone of interest, fascination, and sometimes even a gnarly negative one. all of which are so important. but, let’s back up for a moment, then at least so you have an idea of what and who i have always been. im not like going back to childhood, although entertaining, i will spare you the boredom of further reading:) i have always been a bit different. i tend to always be going at a fairly quick pace. my competitive spirit has and always will be the design of my intense approach to everything i attempt in life. i consider myself a mediator, the one in the family always the peace maker, and so on. although god has given me some most wonderful talents to use through life, i still and always will make mistakes, errors, etc……. when i walk out on stage i prepare myself to display the best me possible, in hopes that my testimony, my musical abilities, and my true compassion for life will extend to every audience member. when i hit that wrong note or key on the piano, please know my intent is still the same, even with a flawed performance, i reach for you in the same way. savant is a very big word to me, not to mention title. i realize the expectations of people, friends, fans, etc…..oh, lets not forget the fact that every great once in awhile i will throw a naughty word out in a sentence or two! lets not think for a minute a christian person doesn’t use a swear word here and there. lets not even for a moment think that we owe anyone an explanation for who and what we are. im a typical kid with a passion to share life in the most positive way possible. i bleed red. i get headaches. i make plenty of mistakes. my knees are bad. i have flinstone feet. one eye is a little bluer than the other. im a little hyper most often. i love a really good dark beer. chocolate is a must in my life. my hearing is slowly going away. all these imperfections make the man i am today. definitely not the perfect dude!