my peace with the water

when we experience an accident, head trauma, etc……theres that tiny moment of wonder immediately following. i recall the water violently pulling at me to keep me under. the healing process is something amazing. there were several moments of waking up from dreams of struggle to make my way to the surface. i remember my son trembling in his sleep shortly after his car accident, later to be explained as rolling in his vehicle being thrown throughout. i would hold him, as my mother held me after my accident. after journaling for the last five years since hitting my head, i realized i hadn’t had a dream since my dive into the pool, although i do remember the immediate dreams right after. i gave much thought to my emotional connection with water, as it seemingly has haunted me, go figure…… my brother brought home a new fly rod a couple years back. i didnt realize the importance of this gift, as it would insist i spend time learning the every move of each current. i spent countless hours on the water, hiking the trails, and simply examining every inch of this miraculous item. i was getting ready for a photo shoot for some promotional stuff, and i thought, we have to do something a bit different, as im not exactly the most photogenic person. i said to Lena, the photographer, “lets shoot on the river.” seriously, she asked me. it’s september, it looks like the water is cold. i said, it’s 38 degrees right now. sounds cold. really cold. this was my moment, as the arkansas river is a force of something beautiful. i jumped in the river, and the idea was to get photos of me on my back floating down the river under the bridge. i went away for a moment, the cold didnt matter, nothing did actually. i was staring up into the clouds, sunshine in my face, and the river was carefully mending my entire self as it gracefully carried me down stream.  im not sure how the mind overcomes such intense trauma, maybe it never goes away for some. since that moment in the water on my back, i began having dreams again. good ones! funny how a simple gift and a few pictures would heal my soul from a silly diving accident! today, i find peace on the water, as most of my free time is spent fly fishing with my son  alex, and brother dino.

this is me

as i close this most amazing year of life, i can’t express my most sincere thanks enough to all of you that have supported my dreams, my efforts, and for simply allowing me to share my passion to make a difference. if you are just now learning of my story, i invite you into my life! 5 years ago, i hit my head and suffered a brain injury that would become a most miraculous gift. i lost almost half of my hearing in my left ear from the impact, and my memory would be challenged daily. i have very intense headaches more often than needed, i seem to be affected by fluorescent lighting that can collapse my body at any given time, my sleeping patterns are ridiculous as my mind races with musical composition 24 hours a day, and all of these items seem to be such a small price to pay, as this gift of enormous magnitude has become my vehicle to reach out and in hopes to inspire many! i have had the opportunity to perform on the same stage with the legendary jazz great Stanley Jordan, i have shared the piano keys with the beautiful autistic musical mind of Tony DeBlois, i had the chance to share some time with autistic and profound savant Rex Lewis, i have filmed with the discovery science channel for the new series “ingenious minds”, i walked the journey quest with Nate Jorgenson, and the list goes on for another many miles of pure joy. the title of savant and musical genius is something that takes a long time to soak into ones mind when a title of such is given, and although humbled by all of this, i am still that typical kid from the midwest that walks around in jeans and a baseball cap everyday. as i prepare for a most exciting new year, i can’t but help look back at the many memories that have shaped the very me, as i understand that this musical gift could disappear at any given moment, therefor insisting i make every single day my best life. i live in the moment, and this experience of musical discovery has simply become a vehicle to share my passion for life. when i went home this year to visit my family, i had the opportunity to share my time with many, although there is one person that made me truly see life. as i sat and watched a 17,000 dollar bag of poison drip into her body to assist her fight to live, i felt my soul screaming to somehow carry this beautiful person to health. shortly after my time with tracy, i received a phone call telling me of this charity event that was simply right up my alley. amazing how this process works. anyways, i am now preparing to participate in the Reality Rally Charity event in Temecula, California with 100 other celebrities that will raise money for breast cancer, and i am so excited to meet Gillian whom is the founder, and of course her presence on the reality show Survivor has inspired me in many ways. there is something very special happening here in my world, and it’s not being called a savant, a musical genius, and one in 7 billion that makes this all possible. i have a dream, i have a passion to share life, all becoming a reality because of YOU! There is a link to the Reality Rally Charity event here on my page, if in fact you wish to join me on this amazing journey, i ask of your help once again, and know this, i appreciate your unconditional friendship, support, and for you to take time out of your life to simply look into mine is beyond amazing. as i float away on these clouds that will carry me to my next venture, i hope you truly know that you have inspired me to be the best man possible each and everyday. happy new year to you, i wish you amazing! i am derek!

the 17 inch german

I think my eyes get smaller on the river, it’s weird. I have always failed to bring a real tape measure along in my vest, as it’s usually stuffed with peanut butter sandwiches, a bottle of water, sometimes kool aid, a knife, flies, and a bandaid. “I have moby dick on the line” alex hollers and of course that gets me riled up, as his fly rod is bending towards the water. We always seem to run towards each other in the water when the other catches a fish, almost a reassurance of visual size. Holy cow, I usually say. Alex screams, “it’s a 17 inch german” as he pokes his chest out. I dial dino to tell him the news, I know right, who makes a call when standing in the river waist deep? Every single time, I get the same response from my brother, that’s a pretty big german, followed by, probably about 14 inches from the picture. And I with the same response, weird, seemed bigger. I’ll call ya back. Hurrying to get my line in the water, im one behind. How big do you think that fish was dad? I said, probably around 17 inches son. Going back and forth with river banter, alex and I always laugh about the size of the fish. I suppose carrying a tape measure would confirm the true size of those whoppers. I don’t have room in my vest for a tape measure anyways.

Dear God,

i was watching dr. phil the other day, when a husband made the comment “i will never be second to anyone.” to his wife. i think he was referring to you, as his wife seemed to simply invite you into her life. i guess i never looked at it that way. as a proud christian kid, i feel so lucky that you allow me to call upon you, and during the many discussions we have daily, you always have very little to say, i suppose that’s what makes you such a good listener! i wanted to address a few things, and just haven’t made the time, as my schedule has changed, and things are pretty busy, i know, lame excuse, but i am free for a moment, so i thought i would try and catch you early before your day begins with everyone else’s issues, challenges, etc…… i am really enjoying my new career, and i thank you for picking me to share this magnificent journey with as many as i can touch! it’s been kind of challenging to be honest. you know, when i first discovered these new hidden talents just 5 years ago, i had no idea what would come my way, and you know me, i will take on any challenge, any! i believe the challenges during the first 3 years of this new journey was simply to prepare me for what was about to transpire into something amazingly beautiful. i wasn’t so fond of the financial struggles, as when i left my regular job to pursue my “real” purpose, my selfish decisions to pour every ounce of blood, sweat, and tears into this project affected many people. my children of course have been my inspiration, and i have tried so hard to be a wonderful loving father, which i believe i have done, and will continue to do so. i have survived basically on nothing for the last 5 years, as things just don’t happen over night. i keep telling my family and friends, “don’t worry, this new job will come to fruition.” i have stayed focused, as i am aware of the challenges that come with chasing dreams. i have somehow made every moment feel as if i was gaining ground, which indeed has happened, of course with the support from my family and friends, and your continued forward push to make me want to be the best at my craft! i have spent numerous hours giving my time to homeless, autistic children, and a growing list of charitable organizations that i adore. i guess that’s where i find my peace, giving back, and simply sharing life. the monetary issues seem to finally be working themselves out, although a bit slower than i expected, but hey, even you needed a few days to put this place together. my new job has allowed me to find something very special, and it’s not the great food they feed me while traveling, it’s not the paycheck i get for sharing my work, it’s not all the pretty girls i get to meet, and it’s certainly not a big fat ego that usually comes with this kind of job. it’s simply having the opportunity to make a difference. i knew when i was a child you had something great for me planned, but i never expected this, wow, i can honestly say i love my purpose, so, thanks again! my typing is slow, and i have several emails to return this morning, i just wanted to let you know how grateful i am and let you know i will forever feel blessed that you have carried me through the challenging times, and given me the strength and courage to adjust to this new journey. oh, and it sure would be nice if you could get a cell phone, i could put you on speed dial for those immediate needed moments. thanks for listening, and i love you!

the beautiful tony D!

 

The Arc of Hope for Haiti Charity event was fantastic. The Journey Museum has this magnificent theater room where I will be performing tonight. Jill has this great charisma and certainly lights up a room!  My daughter Sydney is traveling with me and she has brought a friend along for the trip. I have met some really wonderful people here. travis and jennifer are outstanding people, not to mention wonderful musicians, this guy can sing, actually, they both can! i got to spend the evening with some new friends at a separate charity event and got to meet tom martin, another amazing individual. i stayed the night with trish and D in their stunning home, i really didn’t want to leave, as they have become such wonderful friends. my life would take another crazy turn today. as i walked up to the venue, i passed a blind guy walking with his mother. i told my daughter, he must be a musician, he had a piano tie on. a few hrs passed by as i was getting ready in the green room. a woman asked if i would take a moment so she could introduce me to her son. as i walked out to say hello, it was the blind guy i had passed earlier in the day.   i looked closely, and i said i know you. i had felt as this hot flash feeling thing was about to knock me to my knees. for some reason tears began to roll down my face. i had this immediate connection with one of the most gifted people on this planet. i forever thank you janice! your son has become someone very special in my life. the blind guy I passed by is now my dear friend, my inspiration, and i look forward to sharing life with you Tony! Tony DeBlois is blind, autistic, and is a berkley school of music graduate. Tony plays 22 instruments. but more than that, his soul is pure with joy!

never coming down from my tree house

Sometimes I find these secret places, well, maybe not so secret as im sure other children have discovered this little place. The grass for some reason has this  neonic glow to it, seriously, like the grass in some fairy tale setting, I keep thinking gnome for some reason. My first visit down to this secret spot was with alex. He said check it out down there dad, I looked at the steep incline with my knees begging me  to not even consider. Well ya I said, lets go check it out. We had our fly rods with us of course. As alex was casting, I found it necessary to investigate, looking for gnomes of course. Look at  this tree alex, it just keeps going. Of course I had to climb this tree, it was the perfect climbing tree. Got way up the tree, seems like getting up there was much easier than my attempt downward. Alex screams at  me, I got one dad, I said hold on reaching for my video camera. Ouch, I said, he laughed at me as the climb down was definitely entertaining, especially when there’s a trout on the line. Alex caught the fish,  and I had a few scratches from  my tree climbing. Alex said, this is a cool  place, something different about  it. I agreed. I’ve been back there several times, i always seem to catch  a fish in that same spot, and always seem to take the exact same steps alex and I took from that first walk out there. There are no gnomes to be found so far, keeps me going back to look, each time wanting to climb that tree. Kinda funny how we set landmarks as reminders of the moments in life we treasure. I should have carved a “B” in it. I hope you find a tree to climb!

the traveling john ling

What in the heck is that car doing parked out here in the mountains next to the rail road tracks? One of my most favorite paths I frequent runs alongside the Arkansas river in salida, Colorado. The rail road tracks aren’t used any longer, but they are kept clear and somewhat maintained in case of state emergency and some other government jargon I didn’t catch. I’ve seen a bunch of snakes the last few weeks, so looking down is a practice I have recently started, plus, dan was bitten by a rattle snake just a few weeks back. Looking up as my walk continues, I notice the car by the tracks is still there, and now a man stands outside, and from here, still blocks away, the man seems to be stretching, hard to tell. I seem to have a very comfortable approach with strangers these days, and im even usually excited to spit out the first hello, to get the learning experience fired up of course. And hello he says to me. I take my sunglasses off, seems respectful to look someone in the eyes as they address you. Good morning, im Derek I said, coffee making me speak a bit faster, as it is early am. Im john, as he reaches for my hand. John has these beautiful silver blue eyes that demand your attention.

A few weeks passed, telling my son of my new friend as we walked down town for a coffee. The next morning, once again, I geared up, took the same path out on the tracks, I noticed a car on the tracks up ahead. I was excited. It wasn’t john. A few blocks up, another car, it was still dark and maybe only 5:30 am by this time. If he was in there, he was sleeping, of course I curiously peeked in as I walked by, nope, no john. I caught a few fish and hiked about 4 miles, I was done, and the sun beat me up, hot morning. Down town was getting close, I could smell the lunch menu flying out of the boathouse grill on the river just up the tracks. Over the bridge and into the park to get across the street, one of my favorite park benches to rest on. There was john, leaning against a tree catching up with the local newspaper in his hands. I knew I would find you again I said to john. We sat on the special park bench, in the shade, right across from the boathouse grill, the smell of fantastic blowing in my face. We caught up, took a few pictures together, a hug, and john said to me as I started to stand up. This is where home is this moment Derek. I leaned to hug him once again and said, and this is where my heart is john. You’re a special young man john said softly. As you are john. For some reason it seemed somewhat difficult to part ways. I don’t like good bys, ask anyone. See you again john. He waved.

surrounded by amazing!

Usually one of the first questions that I get asked when reconnecting with friends is “ how is your health?” or “is your brain still making music?” which of course the answers are still – “fantastic” and “yes.” Oh, there’s many more that are thrown at me, but that’s another note. Geeez, should I arrive in a limo with my immediate friends to comfort my nerves as I am traveling for pleasure not work, and im so use to having Gerry travel with me, especially when it’s a larger function, or several people around me at once, it just helps keep me calm and somewhat balanced if you will. Lets leave the fancy stuff for the big rock stars! I grabbed my phone. Hey ali, can I ride with you and mike? Of course she says. I figured hey, not only am I arriving with two very close friends, the wind coming through both windows of the ford escort would be a refreshing reminder of a real yesterday. Im not going to over dress, as it seems important for me to simply blend in tonight. We got to bracco’s a bit early. people were entering the establishment and would pass by the room where I had planted my rear end, nervously awaiting my friends, I found myself thinking everyone that walked in seemed familiar, or I would lean towards the entering patron wanting to ask each of them, “are you here for the party?” or “hey, we’re in here.” Ya know, when 20 years pass by we physically change, duh! I was so damn nervous I would not be able to place names with faces, and really wasn’t wanting to pull the “brain injury card” out on anyone as my excuse. As friends trickled in, it seemed impossible that I would be able to greet each one by their first names. Hello Debbie, dale, im so glad to see you, hi chelley, geeez Michelle you look absolutely stunning, oh cindy you haven’t changed a bit, hi lisa (you have one hot eye), I see you karla, tom is that you my long time friend, hey monty, wow, you and amy look amazing, jolene and Jodi your both lovely,  god you smell good julia, tom im so happy to see you – and you brought your parents ( I am now struggling emotionally to keep my tears contained), hi gina, hi Susie, garrett wow, sarah – ive missed you, dan – your wife krisit is still hot, and on and on I went with my little somethings about most each of them. Almost like I had been dropped right in a study hall room with all these beautiful people with so many questions to ask them. I really had one thing in mind when asking my friends to join me for the evening. It had nothing to do with my career, although I did give them a brief update, of course I needed that uplifting head nod by my closest friends saying “good job Derek.” But I was more concerned with capturing all of you in one room for a moment, to simply let you know how much I appreciate you, each of you.

Every single person in that room has touched my life,  and for some reason I found it vital that I find a way to express myself not only to each of them, but to a few really really influential people I have spent my life loving, and I needed to say it in front of all my peers, in hopes that they would truly understand how blessed I feel. Every now and then I would look out the corner of my eye towards rick for assurance, he would nod or smile, “your doing fine Derek.” he would gesture to me. I think my generation of kids was something very special, and as I age find it so important to stay close to them, or as close as possible as we all grow up and get busy. My memory isn’t good, but I can tell you every single persons name at the very moment they walked in to say hello, somehow it just all fell perfectly into place. Anyways, looking around the room I noticed something very special. My friends from childhood, middle school years, high school years, adult years and so on, were now meeting each other for the first time. I kind of assumed that everyone invited just knew each other, wow, not so. I felt joy as I scanned the room and found them mingling amongst a new circle of friends. I’d like to say a few things, I hollered in a somewhat soft tone. I want each of you to hear this loudly, and clearly. To you tommy, friends from childhood, always one of the most kindest and considerate people I have known, and to you rick, always believing in my dreams with me without swaying even one bit. I looked at everyone with pause, I was getting emotional obviously. Tena, sarah, karla, all of you such kind friends, and on I went with words that I only hoped would send my energy to each with a sense of urgency to let them know my thoughts. Wayne, although busy, I know your always next to me. and tracy, i know your not feeling well enough to be here tonight, but i am with you always. Curt, your kindness and sincerity makes this world a happier place, I adore you. I looked over at tommy’s parents sitting to his left, they both were smiling as I knew it had to be a sweet moment to hear another grown man talk so highly of their son! I leaned over to tell Mac how very special he was to me, as I caught his hearing aid squeeling at me as a warning, don’t speak so close to the ear Derek. Mac said, I feel terrible, I never knew all these years that you hit your head jumping off my truck after the baseball game. I leaned over once again towards macs hearing aid, Mac, your contribution to one of my head injuries makes you an accomplice to this beautiful gift I get to now enjoy. That’s a nice way to look at it he said. As I went on to tell Mac and Marilyn (tommy’s parents) how vital they were during my growing up years, I found myself with this emotional joy having the opportunity to tell each of you thank you. A tear ran down Mac’s face as I continued. The energy in the room at this point was enough to buckle me to my knees, it was real love, real friends, and a real moment to share life. I felt like a proud little boy that just kicked his first field goal, as knowing Mac and Marilyn were watching me with approval.  smiling and happy eyes always gives it away. This moment is something special. As I finished my little thank you, I said “ I feel loved”, thank you to each one of you. And I meant it.. Thank you Mac, that one single tear confirmed my wish, I was clearly understood!

looking into the small of it

          

i think ive always looked at things through such large windows, and eyes always widely scanning. walking this morning seems to be getting the best of my knees as I find myself stumbling my way down the rail road tracks, you know, stepping on each wooden plank, then a few balanced steps on the tracks, back and forth. i wouldn’t be stumbling other than my view looking down is obstructed by surrounding foruteener’s (if your not a mountain person, fourteener is a big hill 14,000 ft tall), miles and miles of trees and animals, and of course, the running water to my right screaming at me “fish here dude.”
kept stumbling for a bit and noticed this square rusted metal nut, guessing for the rail road track. i thought, hmmm, that would make a cool ring if i could file it down somehow. it had a hole in the middle. i grabbed it of course, yep, like a curious little kid. i held it up,  looked through it and took a picture of it.
that little hole i was looking through seemed to make the fourteener on the other side look as if it was a world in itself, it just looked huge. after 5 hours on the water fishing and enjoying this huge symphony going on in my crazy brain, i stumbled home, taking the same path back, and of course stepping back and forth on the tracks, kinda like a circus hire wire show, my balance wasn’t grand by no means.
anyways, maybe i should spend a bit more time looking through small holes, as the picture on the other side allowed me to enjoy focusing on that fourteener in a different view. i love looking at the big picture of things in life. sometimes narrowing your view becomes a magnified image that will stay with you forever. funny how a rusty nut can make something look so amazing!

an intimate moment with my therapist

 

it’s usually during my walks i prepare myself for a conversation with my therapist. i think if we all had a 60 minute session once a week, this world would be a happier place to run around in. the best part of therapy is you get to chose your counselor, or in my mind, design the most elegant beautiful stunning human being to have a chat with. no different than the make believe friend we all talked to when we were 6 yrs old, no i am not saying that everyone designed a 5’10″ blond bombshell, i do realize they come in all different shape, colors, and sizes. so i gave it some thought the last few years during these ever so changing moments in my life. it sure would be great to have therapy in my daily life habits. oh trust me, it’s needed, after all, my brain is so busy making music, that my thoughts forget to talk with my own self, therefor processing becomes challenging. it was two yrs ago my brother introduced me to my therapist. i couldn’t express my gratitude enough to my brother. he walked in the door, and introduced me, i smiled and said hello of course. i said, wow, she doesn’t say much, my brother said she doesn’t need to bro, i mean look at her. i said wow again. he said, lets go outside. i said what for? lets try her out. i said huh? so we went outside in the front yard, as my brothers front yard gave us plenty of room to play around in. he said here bro, you try her out and see how she feels. i said seriously? he said oh ya, your going to love her! so, like a boy, i threw her around for a bit, and said, awesome, she really does feel good. he said, she’s yours. i said, your kidding and almost started crying. i needed this, and felt just overwhelmed that someone would recognize and gift me in such a fashion that would bring me days of bliss. thank you dino, my dear brother i call my best friend. ya see, we all have some need for balance, and to me, therapy has always been a word that only you can put definition to. the moment my brother introduced me to fly fishing and gifted me with that beautiful fly rod, the river, the fish, the whole moment would become my 5’10″ blond bombshell i refer to as my therapist. you will have to excuse me now, as i have a date, the perfect date. i suggest to any of you reading this, design your life therapist and enjoy!